Tuesday, February 26, 2002

(It’s Never to Late to) Rout out the Gold

BOSTON - Sportsfans and Mormons alike are bursting at the seems. No, Brigham Young hasn’t resurrected himself. But Salt Lake city is all abuzz anyway!
(non-alcoholically, of course) because it’s Olympic time! And I for one am intoxicated with Olympic fever again! Believe me, my life is reaching a feverish pitch! All chills and sweats.
Riding high on my local football squad’s Big Win at the Big Easy, I’m ready to win again. Never underestimate the relationship between your local sports team and your personal self worth. Let’s be honest. We, USA, deserve to win. And win big. I’d say we deserve at least 86-92% of this year’s events.
Given the current climate, I would think it only patriotic for the rest of the world to voluntarily give up their golds. Hand them over. You’re either with us our against us, as one esteemed statesman put it. Yes, we have more athletes competing, and yes the Olympiad is on home soil; but come on, we’re never going to win the Nordic Combined without a little, ahem, allied help, shall we say? And Curling, pa-lease!
The opening ceremonies are upon us patriots. What better way to heal than to channel all your nationalist zealousness into the winter games. I think this is actually a good opportunity to show the rest of the world who’s boss again. I bet most of you, like me, have nearly forgotten the debacle that dogged the US Olympic Committee just two years ago.
See? We can move on, and should to move on! This is what America needs right now in light of recent
events. Some good ass whoopins!
Countrymen, harness your jingoism! And defenders of freedom around the world join us in routing out the gold; for the security of the world and for the love of God. Are you listening Norway? Belarus? How about the German Lougers, do you hear me? I think Brigham Young would join me in asking the rest of the world to hand over their gold. Do what’s right.

-Aaron L.