VIA MASS EMAIL

Aaron M has recently moved his place of residence.

I guess this message deserves some explanation:

This note may be the first many of you have heard from me in a long time, and as far as "long lost salutations" go, a blanket email stating that I have moved is about as personal as, for lack of a better metaphor, a one-size-fits-all donor kidney. (I'm sure that MUCH better metaphors exist. This one doesn't even really make sense, but gets a basic gist across. Please forgive me.)

In an effort to defray your legitimate concerns about my true commitment to our personal friendship, I have devised a plan that shows each and every one of you that I think about you daily, and hold each of you in the highest regard (as individuals, of course, not as some cheap collective) that can possibly be afforded another human being without falling under those hastily labeled categories of "weird" or "unnatural".

Following, you will see a list of statements that are tailored to address you just as privately as a personal email or handwritten letter could have done. For the sake of privacy, of course, I have to leave it up to you to identify your own statement. This should be no problem, as you will see by the incredible tenderness and intimacy of each message. Here goes:

1) My first true love. If it is impossible to duplicate this experience, take comfort in the fact that you and I were lucky to have shared it. Try not to lament the fact that we were silly enough to walk away, looking for something else.

2) Unfortunately, I never loved you. At best, our relationship was a lie based on a myth that we were both as interesting as we were eager.

3) Sorry about your dog. I hope he has kept up his spirits despite the unfortunate lack of balance. He is blessed to have an owner as understanding as you. You are a credit to pet-lovers everywhere.

4) I have been meaning to tell you that your hair has always really looked ridiculous. I'm sorry for letting you out in public like that. It's just that I have a really hard time hurting people's feelings. To their face, anyway. Which reminds me....

5) You ignorant jackass.

6) Congratulations on your discovery. I hope that it all works out with Him. I envy you a little, but not as much as I fear you.

7) I will always be sorry that I missed your wedding. Know that I love you just the same. Forgive me.

8) You already know that I moved, so that makes this whole email redundant. Just like you. Just like you.

9) Sorry I missed you in New York. We would have been great together. Keep trying, as will I.

10) We should have slept together when we had the excuse of circumstance. We still can (and should), it's just difficult to make a special trip.

11) Your quick humor and infectious laugh always erased any bad patches that we may have had. I hope you remember our time together as a good patch. Take care of my Valentine.

12) I owe you a birthday present. Here is it's intended dedication: For my greatest comrade, especially in times like these. Your wit and talent are ever-present. Too bad it never helps.

13) I am not sure about the Army. The Coast Guard either, now that I think about it.

14) I don't know why I am afraid of you. Or Us.

15) My taste for postcards has forever been tainted. I'll never be able to go to the beach again. Oh. I've been meaning to tell you. Pinkerton is now my favorite.

16) I should have stayed, and we should have got that trailer.

17) "Movies" will never work as a substitute for a real relationship. Not that we should stop trying.

18) I barely even know you, and met you only once. I wish that it had worked out better.

19) You should quit school.

20) Someday, we should start a company together.

21) I was always impressed with your confidence and composure. That, and you are one funny motherfucker. (sorry about the language, Mom. I felt it was necessary to convey my level of conviction.)

22) I don't know your email, so you aren't even reading this. Shame, as I am quite impressed with how it is going. You would appreciate this more than most.

23) You are too good for this kind of bullshit.

And finally,

24) No, Mom, I haven't cut my hair.

And for all you Clever-Charlie's out there, I do in fact have more than 23 friends. There are some of you who are confident enough to know that our friendship will always transcend the fickle happenstance of regular communication. I trust you all know who you are.

Fondly,

Aaron M

P.S. (This means all of you) in no way should this message be misconstrued as an invitation to call, write, or - should your sense of decency fail you completely - visit. However, if you owe me money or would like to finally try that thing we could never work up the courage to try, by all means contact me.