TO PUT YOUR FEARS TO REST

For those of you uncomfortable with the unusual format and content of some of past emails, I have decided to give you all a little something that you are probably more willing to let enter your inboxes and your lives.

If it helps, you can also think of this as “forwarded”.

For your comfort.

1) A man walks into a bar carrying 14 ripe apples in an old pillowcase and a half-eaten mincemeat pie balanced precariously in his left hand. The bartender, upon seeing his peculiar new customer, nods his head and inquires as to his taste in intoxicants. The man gingerly sets the pie on the bar and empties the apples from the pillowcase onto the floor. They roll deliberately into the clearly defined image of a crucifix, arranged so:

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The bartender smiles curiously and shakes his head.
“I would have never taken you for a Baptist. Well, if not for them apples, anyway!”


2) Jenna Bush, Federico Fellini, and Judge Reinhold are all stranded in a rowboat in the Bermuda Triangle.
Ms. Bush keeps hounding Judge to look at her fake ID and tell her if it is passable. Over and over, she keeps asking him and pestering him, and touching him incessantly on the shoulder, which he dislikes most of all. Finally, Judge Reinhold grabs the ID from her hand, glances in its general direction, proclaims it unsuitable even if it didn’t have a picture of a 43-year-old Chinese man on it, and throws it overboard. Jenna, struck to the bone by the conviction with which Mr. Reinhold delivered his lines, bids the actor and the director goodbye, and dives overboard.
Federico, watching her sink into the blue depths with more than detached amusement, excitedly grabs Judge by the cheeks and looks him in the eyes, screaming, “Where were you when I was filming La Strada?”


3) Snow White and the Seven Dwarves are sitting around the dinner table, talking about the events of the day.

Doc says, “I spent the day in the Diamond mine, looking for Diamonds!”
Sleepy says, “I was there too, though I was too tired to find any!”
The others also say predictable things.
Then, Dopey lifts his heavy-lidded eyes and proudly proclaims, in a voice not unlike that of Richard Attenborough, (Which is surprising, given that most people who knew Dopey thought that his speaking voice, should they ever hear it, was probably going to be like Lambchop’s) “Do you all think that my haircut makes my ears a bit too prominent? I just don’t think that this hat is really working for me anymore.”

4) “Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Supply-Side”
“Supply-Side Who?”
“Supply Side Economics are for dreamers and ballet dancers, if such a distinction even needs to be made between the two.”

Rest at ease, ladies and gentleman. This one’s over, and you can know move on to the more important emails in your inbox. Hey, did you get that one about the donkey? Yeah, I think it was fake too.

Aaron M