THE COMEDIAN

So a comedian walks into a bar with a free newspaper under one arm and a heep load of sadness in the other.
He says to the bartender, here’s my free beer ticket and can I put my stuff somewhere? Here’s what
happens:

Enters stage left. Squints into spotlight. Tries to adjust microphone. Can’t. Takes microphone in hand.

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Hi ya how is everyone? Heyyyoooooo!! (crowd
repeats, Heyyyyoooo!!) Good? (laughs) Good. Anyone drunk? Ha ha. Bear with me here. I’ve had a rough nite. (laughs) That’s right, go ahead, laugh. (more laughs, a whistle) Comedian glares at audience sideways with eyebrow arched (laughs) That’s not funny. (general laughter)

So did you hear the one about the unfunny comedian?
(giggles and laughter) Comedian relaxes. I love my wife, I really do. (giggles) But I don’t know . . .

So uh, on the way over to the bar, my girl calls me a homo bitch. (laughs, some hysterics) I says to her, I say, listen: Number one, Who’s the bitch and number two, If I’m a homo what’s that make you? (silence)

Is it just me or is it hot in here? (laughs) Comedian sweats.

Anyone drunk tonight? Heyyyoooooo!! (coughs,
shuffles)

So uh, my girl, on the way over to the bar, she says, Keep your material fresh tonight, Bobby. So I say to her, Listen, I say, I could say the same to you too.
Booohyyyyaah! (glasses clank, ice is chewed) Then she says to me, So how long you been out of work?
(laughs, woops)

Yeah so uh, (more laughs) Listen I don’t mean to interrupt anything here. (laughs, coughs, retching on
cocktails) All right, Okay! (whistles, hoots)
Comedian inaudible I AM looking for a job, really,
its hard. I mean . . .(hollers, hysterics) OKAY.
already! (coughs, whimpering hoots)

So what is it with FRIENDS these days? . . . I mean REALLY! And I’m serious.

This isn’t funny. So I’m talking to my friend, and he says to me, he says, did you forget how to write?
(laughs) I say, no, I’m just taking it easy now. I have other things on my mind. (moans) And he says to me, Either that, or you forgot how! (cheers).
Comedian stares at shoes. Then addresses audience.
That’s not funny. (hysterical guffaws cheers, bravos, standing, hollering) Then he says to me, I think your wife’s pretty. I say, yeah, so do I. Then he says, you gotta funny way of showing it. She told me she thinks you’re milk toast in bed! (uncontrollable
laughter) But what’s that make her, I say to him, What’s that make her? (laughter dies) And what’s that make you?! Comedian’s voice trembles and raises.

Anyone in the house DRUNK tonight? Hayyoooooo!
(nothing)

Oh fuck it. Don’t make me quit. (claps, shouts Do It!
Do It!) I’m serious I’m about to give up. (cheers, heckles Give up what? What was it you were doing?) I mean I thought, Hey a little job, a little wife, a friend or two . . . (laughter) What is it with life these days? (Crowd sing-songs: I MEAN REALLY!)(hoots, hollers, mayhem) That’s not funny. (roar crescendos, standing ovation, whistles, shrieks, snorting, winneing, squeals)

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Comedian drops microphone (KERGUNK!). Walks behind red curtain and kicks over plastic cup of beer. Drops pack of cigarettes out of breast pocket, into beer puddle when reaching for plastic cup. Leaves through back door into alley. Too dark. Dead end. Turns around. Notices, though cheers are dimmer from the outside they still posses a passion he himself can never seem to muster. Forgets his free newspaper.


Aaron L.